The Butcher…Carves Up…Red Dog

The Butcher

You love ’em, he hates ’em! The Butcher carves up your favourite films, and this week, he applies his sharpened cleaver to 2011’s beloved Aussie box office smash Red Dog, starring Josh Lucas, Rachael Taylor and Luke Ford.

That bullshit, pain-in-the-arse, should-we-change-the-date-or-not-change-the-date annual celebration known as Australia Day is just around the Aussie-Aussie-Aussie-Oi-Oi-Oi corner, and that got The Butcher thinking about how much he hates Australian movies. We’ve got a lot in common with other countries when it comes to qualitative crapness, with a swathe of shitty local flicks clogging up cinema screens for a couple of seconds before disappearing onto streaming services (if they’re lucky) or into the vaults of Australia’s commercial television stations, where they might get dragged out at some stage and screened late at night to fulfil said station’s local quota demands.

Unlike most Australian films, however, the local flick that jumped to The Butcher’s mind was actually a big box office hit…but don’t let that fool you. No way. Sure, it might have made bank in a very major way for an Aussie flick, but 2011’s Red Dog still sucks, big time. The Butcher hates this horribly underwhelming piece of local produce, for several reasons.

“Yep, even you, Red Dog, even you…Butchered!”

Okay, straight off the bat – The Butcher doesn’t like dogs. Ooooh, hanging offence! While people don’t care if you shoplift, scratch yourself in public, or park in handicapped spaces, disliking dogs is apparently a heinous and unforgivable crime. It allegedly means that you lack “warmth and soul.” Sure, in The Butcher’s case, that’s true. But guess what, dog lovers? It’s just too bad! I don’t like dogs!

I don’t like the way that they crap everywhere; I don’t like the way that dog owners say, “He was such a friendly dog” after their hound has “surprisingly” ripped a kid’s face off; I don’t like the way that glammed up wannabe influenzas carry little pooches in handbags; I don’t like people who dress their dogs in clothes; I hate the way that dog lovers think that everybody else should be a dog lover; and I hate it when rappers call each other “dawg.” Hell, I even hate Snoop Dogg…and Scooby Doo…and Deputy Dawg…and Snoopy…even Pluto. And call me un-Australian, but I hate Red Dog too!

FilmInk readers, you are obviously all dog lovers, because you voted this silly, saccharine, unfocused mess of a movie Best Film in The 2011 FilmInk Awards…remember those? Well, The Butcher does! The chumps back in 2011 voted for Red Dog! Yes, Red Dog! A film that retreads everything we’ve already seen in a million woof-woof flicks like Lassie and Benji? A film that trumpets its “Aussieness” yet stars the bloke out of Sweet Home Alabama, Poseidon and Yellowstone?

A film that begins with the dog on its deathbed? Geez! What are you? Masochists? Yes, as mentioned, it was a big box office hit, but who cares? The story is all over the shop, the characters’ motivations never make much sense, and its desperate grab at “feel good” status all add up to a howling bad time. Just like Old Yeller, Red Dog needs to be taken out the back and shot. I know you’ll want to put me in the pound for saying it, but that’s just the way it is…happy friggin’ Australia Day!