by The Butcher
You love ’em, he hates ’em! The Butcher carves up your favourite films, and this week, he applies his sharpened cleaver to the Oscar-winning musical extravaganza Les Miserables.
Seeing Big Russ all gutted out to get his Nazi on this week in the historical drama Nuremberg got The Butcher thinking about another shit film in which Rusty played a European. Remember Les Miserables? Sure, the shine’s gone off this stinker a bit in recent years, but The Butcher remembers all too un-fondly how everyone banged on about how good this poncy doggerel was back on its release in 2012. It got multiple Oscar nominations, the critics raved, and the punters flocked to cinemas in a stunning display of masochistic self-abuse. The Butcher, however, hated it then, and still hates it now.
Firstly, what’s with the French title? Yeah, sure, it’s set in France, and all of the characters are French, but they sing and speak in English. So, why doesn’t that carry through to the film’s title? Is it because Les Miserables translates as The Miserable Ones, which would be a description more aptly applied to the audience than the film’s characters? Or is it because this film (and the “beloved” stage play upon which it is based) is basically just a massive, misguided wank? A musical set during The French Revolution? Really? Doesn’t anyone else agree that that’s about as absurd as Springtime For Hitler from Mel Brooks’ The Producers? Or is The Butcher just being too culturally sensitive?
Anyway, so what else is wrong with this film? Mmmm…well, how about the fact that it’s a musical, and nobody in it can sing! Hugh Jackman? Please! Everyone just loves this guy so much that he could cut a fart and people would acclaim its musicality. But remember this, Hugh adorers: you don’t really make it to the top by being a nice guy. Surely, Hugh has stepped on at least a couple of toes during his march to the top.
That goes for “Hollywood sweetheart”, Anne Hathaway, too, who got showered with praise – including a fucking Oscar, for god’s sake – for actually cutting off her hair on camera for Les Miserables. Big fucking deal! For what Ms. Hathaway was getting paid, The Butcher would have let them have a finger! And something else too…
And we don’t even have to mention ol’ Russell “golden tonsils” Crowe – whose singing abilities have been long questioned by all and sundry – or those two hammy turds, Helena Bonham “Look what I’m wearing! I’m so crazy!” Carter and Sacha Baron “I love it in Australia, oh, Covid restrictions have lifted in England, bye!” Cohen. On top of all that shitty “singing”, Les Miserables is grossly over-long, horribly self-important, hilariously indulgent, badly acted, and stone-cold-boring. Come to think of it, how did this movie not take out the Oscar for Best Film? Sacre bleu! It certainly ticks all the boxes!
Want to read more from The Butcher? Check out his angry missives against The King’s Speech, Picnic At Hanging Rock, The Magnificent Seven, Gone With The Wind, The Right Stuff, 81/2, Pulp Fiction, Easy Rider, The Shawshank Redemption, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Wizard Of Oz, Jaws, Black Swan, Gladiator, Chopper, I’m Not There, Interstellar, Marvel Studios and Citizen Kane.
