By Erin Free
BEST FILM
And the winner is: The Revenant
A visually stunning but gruesomely primal tale of survival and revenge that recalls masters like Sam Peckinpah, Walter Hill, Werner Herzog, and Terrence Malick, this mini-epic of dirt, grit, blood, beauty and horror will stand hunched and angry alongside other “weirdo Oscar winners” like Midnight Cowboy, No Country For Old Men, and last year’s Birdman, from The Revenant’s director, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu.
And the winner should be: Mad Max: Fury Road
Though technically brilliant and powerfully performed, The Revenant is also laboured and undeniably over-long. Mad Max: Fury Road, however, is a wildly entertaining, wholly uncompromising, and utterly vivifying cinematic force of nature…and it would be “un-Australian” not to say that it should win, wouldn’t it?
BEST ACTOR
And the winner is: Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant)
He grunts, he falls down mountains, he gets molested by a bear for about an hour, he climbs into the carcass of a dead animal, and he staves off Tom Hardy’s Steve McQueen-level scene stealing ways…if Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t get the gong for The Revenant, he’ll never get one! Plus, the Best Actor field is not too strong this year, so Leo is looking good…really good.
And the winner should be: Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant)
He’s brilliant in The Revenant, and he’s been brilliant for years…give him the Oscar!
BEST ACTRESS
And the winner is: Brie Larson (Room)
Oscar occasionally loves celebrating a young, breakout talent, and Brie Larson fits the bill perfectly thanks to her astonishing performance in the brilliant Room. Her win will be akin to that of the now practically old-hat Jennifer Lawrence, who memorably won for Silver Linings Playbook while still an actress on the rise. Larson should, however, literally cut her Oscar in half and share it with her young co-star, Jacob Tremblay, who truly owns Room, and failed to even score a nomination.
And the winner should be: Brie Larson (Room)
If you’re not overly familiar with this fine actress, check out the indie drama, Short Term 12, and you’ll likely agree that the Oscar should be hers this year.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
And the winner is: Sylvester Stallone (Creed)
Sly is the undoubted sentimental favourite here for his moving work as the aged Rocky Balboa in the shock critical and box office hit, Creed, and this will also be the Academy’s chance to hand out another unofficial “career award”, thanking Stallone for his impressive body of work, which includes flicks like Rhinestone, The Expendables, Cobra, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, and, of course, Oscar.
And the winner should be: Mark Rylance (Bridge Of Spies)
The British theatre titan gives a wonderfully subtle and astute performance as a Russian spy under siege in Steven Spielberg’s compelling political thriller, A Bridge Of Spies, and if there’s one thing that the Academy doesn’t like, it’s subtlety.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
And the winner is: Alicia Vikander (The Danish Girl)
The little known Swede will be this year’s Marion Cotillard, Mira Sorvino, Juliette Binoche, and Marisa Tomei: a dynamic young talent who bewitches Oscar voters with her youth, charisma, and undeniable talent, and walks away with an early-career award highlight that she’ll likely never quite recapture…at least in the eyes of the industry.
And the winner should be: Jennifer Jason Leigh (The Hateful 8)
If anyone ever deserved a “career award”, it would be 1990s indie queen, Jennifer Jason Leigh, who hot-wired out-there faves like Last Exit To Brooklyn, Georgia, Short Cuts, and Rush, and brings it big time once again in Quentin Tarantino’s talk-and-splatter western, The Hateful Eight.
BEST DIRECTOR
And the winner is: George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Yes, that’s right: FilmInk is tipping a rare-as-rocking-horse-shit, Best Film/Best Director split! Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu won the Best Director gong last year for Birdman, and the Oscar voters might see a Best Director win for George Miller as a good way of celebrating the much loved Mad Max: Fury Road.
And the winner should be: George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road)
His mastery on Mad Max: Fury Road is undeniable, and nobody has been complaining about him being an on-set a-hole either. You should be a winner, George…you’re on the top shelf!
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
And the winner is: Straight Outta Compton (Jonathan Herman, Andrea Berloff)
With the #oscarssowhite controversy in full effect, Academy voters will likely be desperate to reward as many African-Americans as possible, so we’re tipping Oscar gold for Straight Outta Compton screenwriters, Jonathan Herman and Andrea Berloff…even though they’re both white!
And the winner should be: Straight Outta Compton (Jonathan Herman, Andrea Berloff)
It’s a big, epic, entertaining biopic of the first order; it was a massive hit; it deals with important issues…and we don’t want to get trolled.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
And the winner is: The Martian
The screenplay Oscars often serve as “consolation gongs” (just ask Quentin Tarantino), and this will likely be the Academy’s way of doffing their collective hat to one of the feel-good smash hits of the year.
And the winner should be: Room
Emma Donoghue’s adaptation of her own novel is subtle, restrained, perceptive, and almost unbelievably moving…again, not obvious pointers to an Oscar win.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE
And the winner is: Son Of Saul
Laszlo Nemes’ dynamically bleak and uncompromising Hungarian drama takes an astoundingly immediate approach to the oft-documented horrors of The Holocaust, and might just edge ahead in a typically tight Best Foreign Language field.
And the winner should be: Son Of Saul
We’d be pretty happy to see any of these truly superior films take the award, but the technical bravura and adrenalised storytelling make Son Of Saul a standout.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
And the winner is: What Happened, Miss Simone?
Director, Liz Garbus, offers a cogent, tempered insight into the fascinating life of music icon, Nina Simone, and will likely score a win for her internationally successful doco. The whole #oscarssowhite business won’t hurt either…
And the winner should be: What Happened, Miss Simone?
Netflix has made watching TV and movies an unbridled joy (even though we still miss video shops), and it would be great to see them score an Oscar for this doco, which they bankrolled.
BEST ANIMATED FILM:
And the winner is: Inside Out
Many joke that this should be renamed “The Pixar Award”, and with Inside Out one of the studio’s best films in years, there’ll likely be a lot of joy experienced by the team behind this smart, moving, and quietly daring effort.
And the winner should be: Anomalisa
Wouldn’t it be great to see a truly strange, adult-themed cartoon take out the Best Animated Film gong? This profoundly moving curio from Duke Johnson and Charlie Kaufman would certainly get our vote!
If there is any justice in this world, “Spotlight” will win best picture!