By Maria Lewis
There’s one thing an Alien movie should never be: boring. Alien and Aliens took time to breathe, to set up the confines of the game board, but they were never boring. In a metal prison full of religious fundamentalists where the key characters you care about are killed in the opening minutes – off camera – it can still be said that Alien 3 wasn’t boring. Alien: Resurrection – with all its space basketball and surreal Frenchness – was never boring. Yet when the glue that holds each end of Alien: Covenant together is a homoerotic flute scene between Fassbender 1 and Fassbender 2.0 that seems to last for 25 hours, the reality is that this Alien movie? It’s boring. Worse yet, it seems to hate what it has become.
Prometheus was an average movie with a handful of excellent scenes. After it, most Alien fans were … well, frustrated. But hopeful. It was important to keep in mind that it had been 33 years since Ridley Scott had redefined the science-fiction genre – and horror – with 1979’s Alien. There were bound to be cobwebs. And hey, we still had one of the greatest trailers of all time even if the movie felt like that drunk friend who was all “like ohmigod you guys imagine if – “. With The Martian as a follow-up movie, the prospect of Ridley Scott doing another Alien movie after Prometheus was promising. Especially if they shelved Neill Blomkamp’s production with Sigourney Weaver for this one: he must have truly believed he had a cracker in the works. At least that’s what I thought, walking into it. Reviews had been mixed, at best, but as someone whose favourite film of all time is Alien (with Aliens sitting just outside of the top 10) and having seen 20 minutes of footage in a studio showcase, I was confident that Alien: Covenant would take me back to the magic of its predecessors.
When the credits rolled, all I could think of was Elizabeth Shaw’s words from Prometheus: “we were wrong, we were so wrong”. And then all I could think about was Shaw herself and the cruel fate she was dealt by getting – how best to put this? – Sigourney Weaver’ed like it’s Alien: Resurrection. A deep, pre-menopausal rage began bubbling up in my blood as I thought about everything I’d watched. It opened with a boring monologue that acted as a warm-up for the 10 more that would follow. Then there was the lack of tension, which was previously crafted so skilfully in the Alien franchise and was replaced here with jump scares and instant deaths. So who’s to blame? Ridley Scott is the easiest target. After all, he directed and produced both this and Prometheus and was the ‘big boss’ in charge when it came to story, feel and aesthetic. One of Alien’s original puppeteers was also onboard – someone who was there at the beginning back in the ’70s, Walter Hill. He has produced every single Alien movie since ’79, so you’d think that would bring something to the table. Instead … Alien: Covenant feels like a self-loathing teenager: the only thing it hates more than itself is those around it.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing or, rather, the most hurtful thing as a female fan who grew up watching these movies religiously is that two thirds of the way through, Alien: Covenant sets fire to its own legacy. It shits in the face of its strong, complex and persistent women. Not only does it flick the bird to everything Shaw – arguably the best thing about Prometheus – fought for and her natural predecessor Daniels, it then gives Lt. Ellen Riley a massive ‘fuck you’. It tells Vasquez and Newt to die in a fire, while even Alien Vs Predator’s kick-ass Alexa Woods can get bent. The Alien movies – all of them, universally – told us that even in the face of overwhelming odds, goodness could survive. Not without sacrifice, obviously: not everyone can triumph in the face of unwavering evil. You lose good people along the way. But women consistently had triumphed; despite a physically superior and hostile enemy (the aliens themselves), despite corporate conspiracies (bloody Weyland-Yutani Corp), and despite the ineptitude of their male colleagues (special shout out to Dallas and Gorman combined).
What’s the message we’re left with following the conclusion of Alien: Covenant? That there’s no point in fighting, there’s no point in sacrifice because – simply – there is no hope. In 2017, the world could have really done with the strength of Lt. Ellen Ripley. Instead, we got given Private Spunkmeyer.
Maria Lewis is a journalist and author previously seen on SBS Viceland’s The Feed. She’s the presenter and producer of the Eff Yeah Film & Feminism podcast. Her debut novel Who’s Afraid? was released in 2016 with the sequel – Who’s Afraid Too? – out now. You can find her on Twitter @MovieMazz.
