by Anthony O'Connor
Worth: $12.00
FilmInk rates movies out of $20 — the score indicates the amount we believe a ticket to the movie to be worth
Cast:
Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Daniela Melchior, Selton Mello, Thandiwe Newton, Steve Zahn
Intro:
… feels like an improv class on various jungle sets.
The original Anaconda came out in 1997. Starring Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz and Jon Voight (and a bloody huge danger noodle, obvs) it was an amiable enough creature feature that had a couple of memorable moments (Voight’s regurgitation remains a slimy highpoint) and was followed, somewhat inexplicably, by four sequels: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004), Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008), Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009), and Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015). Apparently, Sony reckoned ten years was too long to let their moderately successful hissy boi franchise lie dormant and have resurrected it, meta sequel style, in the form of Anaconda (2025). And the result is, eh, you know, it’s fine.
Anaconda is the story of childhood besties Doug (Jack Black) and Griff (Paul Rudd), who had dreams of being a filmmaker and actor respectively. Now as middle aged adults, their dreams have pretty much died, with Doug slogging away as a wedding videographer and Griff barely holding on by his fingernails in showbiz. Something’s gotta change. At a surprise birthday party for Doug, Griff reveals that he has acquired the rights to the original 1997 Anaconda flick and wants to reboot the film starring himself, written and directed by Doug, and co-starring their other bestie Claire (Thandiwe Newton) with dodgy mate Kenny (Steve Zahn) acting as DP. So, the unlikely crew up stumps and bugger off to the Amazon where shenanigans ensue, including a subplot involving the mysterious beauty, Ana (Daniela Melchior) and a gargantuan snake that is causing all manner of mayhem amongst the locals. Will they get their film or will they all end up a steaming pile of serpent poo drying in the sun?
Anaconda is the kind of movie that works out a premise – and to be fair, this is a pretty fun one – and then does absolutely nothing with it. Instead, the film is content to coast on the charm of its four leads. Now, the fact that the leads on board here all have megawatt levels of charisma certainly helps the experience, and Daniela Melchior does what she can with a wildly half baked subplot, but ultimately this feels like an improv class on various jungle sets. Sometimes, the gags are quite funny (you’ve seen it in the trailer, but the pig sequence is a hoot), sometimes they’re a bit naff (Selton Mello’s endless snake handling gags are distinctly one note) but overall they lead nowhere and the film often feels aimless.
That’s not to say that you won’t have a good time. The first half, in particular, is regularly quite amusing and if you’re in the mood for an amiable time-waster that you’ll forget five minutes after the credits roll, then maybe Anaconda will be for you. One just can’t help but feel that there’s quite a bit of wasted potential here, and wonder how much better it might have been if they’d actually decided to knock out a bloody script.
