By Jek Porkins
TATOOINE
Sure, sure, a lot happens here, and the planet has played host to massive names in Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, but this world is defined by inhospitable desert environments, unfriendly locals (hello, Jawas and Tusken Raiders), a rampant criminal underworld, Sarlacc pits (gross!) and the type of bars and cafes (namely, The Mos Eisley Cantina) that not only practice open discrimination (“We don’t serve their kind here”) but host patrons hell bent on killing you. Dry, dangerous, and even potentially lethal, Tatooine is recommended only for those who like to live very dangerously.
DAGOBAH
Has anyone ever tried to sell you some cheap swampland? You know, the kind into which any new development would most likely just sink? Well, welcome to Dagobah, the final home of Jedi master Yoda. This is where Luke Skywalker undergoes his Force training in The Empire Strikes Back, and as well as being made up solely of mud, soupy water, vines, undergrowth and bizarre creatures, it’s also home to terrifying visions of Darth Vader. Fly right past this one, it’s no place to live.
HOTH
It’s like Tatooine, but with snow instead of sand. Also, it’s home to monstrous beasts called Wampas, who will make your life very, very unpleasant indeed. Unless you have a real issue with the heat, and have to make your home in a place where the temperatures are always low, Hoth would certainly not be our suggestion for a place to set up a home and raise a family.
MUSTAFAR
Does it get any worse than Mustafar? Really? It might have some tourist value because it’s the place where Obi-Wan Kenobi struck down Anakin Skywalker in Revenge Of The Sith, effectively giving rise to infamous Star Wars bad guy Darth Vader, but this place is, well, a major dump. If you bought up real estate here, you’d likely at least get it cheap, but this planet is basically one big volcano. Even if you like the heat, constant molten lava does not make for a happy home.
KASHYYYK
The pluses? A nice, temperate climate; plentiful coastal areas offering delightful ocean views; a gorgeous natural environment perfect for nature lovers; and a remote, quiet vibe. The minuses? The planet is home to the towering, dangerous, primal species known as the Wookiee, and if they don’t like you, then you might just lose an arm or leg. If you get on their good side, however, they could be the best friends that you’ll ever have. There are also huge spiders and slugs skulking around, so Kashyyyk is no walk in the park. Only for the truly brave…
ENDOR
Just like Kashyyyk, but with Ewoks instead of Wookies. And though those little teddy bear-like Ewoks eventually turned out to be good guys, remember this: they were originally going to cook Han Solo and Luke Skywalker alive on a spit for a community feast, and they also kicked a lot of Stormtrooper butt. So while not as scary as Kashyyyk and its Wookies, Endor is no safe bet either.
BESPIN
Also known as Cloud City, Bespin is a total no-no for anyone with a fear of heights. Situated high in the sky above a sprawling field of silky, billowing cumulus, it’s a fairly cold, sterile environment famously ruled over by smooth operator Lando Calrissian in The Empire Strikes Back. While a fairly liveable place, it was the site of Lando’s betrayal of his old friend Han Solo, and thus carries a very negative stigma. In short, not a bad place to live if you like watching clouds form, and you don’t mind pitching your proverbial tent on the site of prior villainous behaviour.
ALDERAAN
Home of Princess Leia and the Organa family, Alderaan was a world of peace, harmony and immense beauty. This would certainly have been our pick of the planets upon which to live. Its inhabitants were decent, morally centred people, and the wildlife was largely benign. There is only one – rather large – problem: Alderaan was blown to smithereens by Darth Vader in Star Wars: A New Hope. As well as murdering millions and rating as one of the worst dads ever, this infamous mouth-breathing bad guy also destroyed the galaxy’s most prime piece of real estate.
CORUSCANT
Coruscant is not a truly hideous place to live, it’s just for those with very specific tastes. Do you like long walks on the beach? Throwing a Frisbee in the park? Fishing from the shores of a tranquil lake? Well, Coruscant is NOT for you! Coruscant is an ecumenopolis – namely, a city-covered planet – and that means buildings, concrete, glass, looming towers and absolutely nought in the way of nature, trees, water or wildlife. If you like urban living – and absolutely nothing else – then Coruscant is your kinda planet.
NABOO
After our quick tour of the Star Wars galaxy’s most notable planets, one emerges as the most obviously desirable place to live, and that’s Naboo. According to an interview with Star Wars expert Matt Hudson (co-host of the Star Wars Sessions podcast) carried out by Betway casino, Naboo is simply the best. “Naboo is a planet of culture,” Hudson enthuses. “There’s beautiful scenery. They’ve got the countryside, the meadows, the lakes, the waterfalls, the animals. The Queen is lovely, and everything just seems chill in Naboo. It’s the home planet of Emperor Palpatine himself, so a few people might give it a scornful look now because it was the birthplace of the most evil man in the galaxy. But I think the look and vibe of the place completely overshadows that. I give it full marks.” In a galaxy far, far away, Naboo is the place to call home.
