By The Butcher
You love ’em, he hates ’em! The Butcher carves up your favourite films, and this week, in an act to out-grump even The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge, he applies his sharpened cleaver to the adored 1947 Christmas classic Miracle On 34th Street.
Is there anything more annoying than the Norman Rockwell-style view of America? It wasn’t realistic in the fifties, and it’s not realistic now. The feel-good Christmas classic, Miracle On 34th Street, promotes a time of innocence that never existed. It tells the story of a crazy old timer, played by Edmund Gwenn, preaching that he’s Santa Claus without even realising that people might think that he’s, well, crazy. In the end, of course, it turns out that he actually is Santa Claus (never saw that one coming!) and he saves the day in more ways than should rightly be allowed in one film.
Though a classic lesson in faith, the innocence of childhood, and the way that the elderly are treated, I’m pleased to say that I sided with the film’s baddies. As we all know, there is no Santa Claus. I don’t feel the need to preface that with a spoiler warning, because if you didn’t know that already, then you’re of questionable intelligence. The fact that a clearly delusional, perhaps dangerous, old man is desperate to pass himself off as a figure of love for children everywhere would certainly set alarm bells ringing for me. And what of the precocious child, Susan Walker (the young Natalie Wood)? Well, frankly, it’s time that she grew up, rather than meddling where she’s not wanted and befriending weird old men.
What annoys me the most about this film, however, is its glaring hypocrisy. It warns of the breakdown of Christmas at the hands of evil consumerism, whilst at the same time presenting the good guys as Macy’s department store. It’s like Camel cigarettes producing an advert saying that all other cigarettes can damage your health, but their brand merely makes you look cool. It’s nonsense.
Miracle On 34th Street can paint the world however it wants, but we know better. In fact, I’d like to see another modern remake, but this time where Kris Kringle is arrested for indecent exposure and Susan Walker falls through the ice on a duck pond that is clearly sign posted as being prohibited for skating. Merry effing Christmas!
Want to read more from The Butcher? Check out his angry missives against The Full Monty, There Will Be Blood, Les Miserables, The King’s Speech, Picnic At Hanging Rock, The Magnificent Seven, Gone With The Wind, The Right Stuff, 81/2, Pulp Fiction, Easy Rider, The Shawshank Redemption, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Wizard Of Oz, Jaws, Black Swan, Gladiator, Chopper, I’m Not There, Interstellar, Marvel Studios and Citizen Kane.
