By Philip Berk
How did that song come about at the end of your film, Bruno?
“That was so boring. Like, you know, they came in, Bono, and Sting, and Chris Martin, and apparently Elton was there too. He can be one of the biggest bitches in the world. They say that Naomi Campbell is a bitch. After twenty years in the fashion industry, she’s remained exactly the same: a total bitch. Elton’s basically the same.”
At the MTV Awards, how did it feel to have your behind right on Eminem’s nose?
“Eminem behaved like a real bitch. He was pretending like he’d never 69’d a guy before. I felt really confident when I was down there, even though he was pretending to be angry. I felt something poking into my face when I was between his thighs, and I suddenly realised why they call him Slim Shady.”
As a child, did you admire fellow Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger?
“It’s funny that you should talk about Arnold. Actually I’ve signed a confidentiality agreement about this. Me and Arnold were a couple in the early eighties for almost…seven minutes. I met him at the finals of the Mr. Universe competition, and he was almost two ounces over his weight division and needed to lose it really quick. I dropped down to my knees and obliged. People have said that a really masculine sexy Austrian could never be a powerful, well liked politician, but Adolf proved them wrong.”
During the making of the film, were you ever subjected to gay bashing? Did you have any close calls?
“There were a lot of times that were very scary. I went to this place called Middle Earth. That place is absolutely terrifying. There is no sushi in the whole region. It’s just carbs, carbs, carbs. Humus and pita. They’re like really bloated. If I opened my wardrobe and all I saw was a black burkha and sandals, I’d blow myself up too. Here’s a fact. Not one suicide bomber has ever blown himself up while wearing Marc Jacobs.”
Did you have any hesitation about interviewing some of the big names in Hollywood?
“Obviously I have been very sensitive with some of these sensitive people, like Mel Gibson. You have to be sensitive when you’re dealing with one of the world’s straightest men. With Tom Cruise, you’ve also got to be careful, but you know, what is he? Is he a Scientologist or is he a Pilates expert? I was a bit worried because those guys go totally crazy, don’t they?”
In the swingers’ scene, were you really beaten up?
“That woman was uber crazy. She’s what we call in German a total bitch. There were bits we chopped out where she actually kicked me in the hand and fractured my thumb. I still can’t fully move it.”
Who would you prefer to have dinner with? A gay icon like Liza Minnelli, or The Sexiest Man Alive, Hugh Jackman?
“A gay icon or a gay man? I mean, Wolverine is uber sexy.”
There’s an Austrian television presenter by the name of Alfons Haider; were you inspired by him?
“If anything, he copied me. He’s worse than Heidi Klum. Ich can’t stand her. Everything I do, Heidi copies. I wear Velcro, she’s wearing Velcro. Ich moves to Los Angeles to become famous, she moves to Los Angeles to become famous. Ich blows Seal…I’ll tell you something about Seal that makes him better than the animal. He can balance two balls on his nose.”
How do you feel about gay marriage?
“Marriage is just such an important thing. We want the right to live in a loveless marriage, and then separate and argue over a house.”
What is your relationship with Sacha Baron Cohen?
“As I’ve said before, he’s clearly gay. I mean, his girlfriend must get about as much sex as Katie Holmes.”
Grimsby is released in cinemas on March 10.
