By The Butcher
You love ’em, he hates ’em! The Butcher carves up your favourite films, and this week, he applies his sharpened cleaver to Christopher Nolan’s billion-dollar-making 2026 Greek mythological epic The Odyssey, starring Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Tom Holland, Zendaya, Jon Bernthal and Charlize Theron.
“Where did you see it” “How big was the screen?” “Did you see it at IMAX?”
The Butcher has seen a lot in his days – especially a lot of truly shithouse films – but not until the recent release of Christopher Nolan’s Greek mythology glow-up The Odyssey has he been subject to screen-shaming. If you reply to the above questions with something along the lines of “Oh, you know, just at my local cinema with the ripped seats, general air of desperation, and average sized screen”, there is a real danger that the tool who asked will respond with “Well, that’s not how you’re supposed to see it. That’s not how Christopher Nolan intended. He shot it on IMAX. You’re not getting the full experience.”
Firstly, I don’t give a shit what Christopher Nolan intended. Secondly, if Christopher Nolan wants me to see his film on IMAX, he can pay for my ticket. Thirdly, if you’re only supposed to see The Odyssey how Nolan intended for it to be seen, then why is it even screening at my local cinema with the ripped seats, general air of desperation, and average sized screen? And fourthly, The Odyssey is so awful that no size screen could save it.
Now, unlike most films that The Butcher has written about on this embarrassingly movie-pandering website, The Odyssey is not an across-the-board crowd-and-critic favourite. Not everybody loves this three-hour epic…most do, but there are more than a few who don’t. The Butcher firmly and squarely resides in the latter camp. Hype, carry-on and box office aside, The Odyssey is just a crap show.
And no, that doesn’t mean The Butcher is down with Elon Musk and those who decry the film for being too “woke.” Yeah, sure, there are African, Indian and Asian people in the cast, but this is (apparently) Ancient Greece, so there really shouldn’t be Americans and Brits running around either. To be straight, if this thing had even pretended to be “accurate”, it would have starred, I don’t know, John Stamos, and the guy who directed Bugonia would have made it. So, the anti-“woke” crew can go and choke on a moussaka amidst their whiny, pissy moans around alleged political correctness gone wild.
Like the anti-“woke” crew, however, The Butcher does hate The Odyssey. Did this story really need to be told again? And with such an annoying cast? Matt Damon (go on, say it like in Team America) is the king of blandness, and he brings all of that to bear on his lifeless performance as Odysseus, a Greek military leader who has to make his (loooooooonnnnngg) way home after an arduous battle involving The Trojan Horse.
And what a tedious journey that is. The entire film is basically just Odysseus and his not-so-merry men getting off their boat, getting harassed/chased/killed, and then getting back on their boat. Whether it’s a fucked-up witch, a fucked-up guy with one eye, some fucked-up guys in armour, or a fucked-up sea monster in a cave (or something), it’s all just the same thing…wash, rinse, repeat.
Meanwhile, back at home, the wife of Odysseus (Anne Hathaway in dreary “I’m wearing-no-makeup-so-give-me-an-Oscar” mode) and their son (Tom “Mr. Everywhere” Holland) ward off the mini-army of suitors loitering around in the belief and hope that Odysseus will never return. One of these creepy suitors is played by the insufferable Robert Pattinson in an especially insufferable performance, while Jon Bernthal again apes Steve McQueen with an eye-poppingly mannered turn obviously designed to steal all his scenes…which, to be honest, isn’t that hard considering the bunch of cardboard cut-outs he gets to act against.
The Odyssey is long, it’s repetitive, the dialogue is irritatingly anachronistic (yeah, yeah, if it was wholly accurate, it would all be in Greek, but there’s still something jarring about hearing an armour-clad soldier ask if someone is “okay”), and we’ve seen it all before…many times. A bad film is a bad film…no matter how big the screen. Christopher Nolan and The Odyssey…malakia!
