By Lee Zachariah
From legal wrangles and technical glitches through to self destruction and plain carelessness, some of the best – and worst – films in history have never been released. For a multitude of reasons, the following films were put out of circulation after their first screening. Warning before reading: you’ll probably never be able to see (most of) ‘em…at least legally, anyway.
HUMOR RISK (1921)
What’s The Story?
Pre-dating The Cocoanuts by eight years, this was to be the cinematic debut of The Marx Brothers, who at that point were famous for their stage shows. With a title spoofing the 1920 drama Humoresque (though baring no other resemblance to it), the movie established a very different format from the Brothers’ later films. Rather than having the four comics thrown together for a common cause, they played characters at odds with one another. Harpo was the hero of the piece, playing a detective named Watson; Groucho was the moustache-twirling villain; Chico was his Italian henchman; and Zeppo was a playboy nightclub owner. To give you an idea of the film’s vintage, the comic legends were reportedly credited as Arthur Marx, Julius Marx, Leonard Marx and Herbert Marx.
Where’d It Go?
Legend has it that, after a poorly received premiere, Groucho believed that the film would go down in flames. Beating it to the punch, he apparently set fire to the print himself. Later, he would attempt to do the same to the negative of The Cocoanuts. A rumour suggests that producer Al Polson held on to the last remaining copy of Humor Risk, which he later proffered when critic Alexander Woollcott demanded a screening. Opening the can, however, revealed the negative itself, which was obviously not suitable for immediate viewing. Apparently, the negative was then forgotten and left in the projection booth, and has never been seen again. There’s not enough evidence to tell whether that story is true or not, but even so, there remains a very, very, very, very slim chance that Humor Risk will one day resurface…
Say What?
“We did two reels, which didn’t make any sense at all. It was just trying to be funny.” Groucho Marx
THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1994)
What’s The Story?
Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm are on a space mission when cosmic rays turn them into superheroes! They then fight Victor Von Doom, who is trying to find a giant diamond or something, and decide that they will become (spoiler alert) The Fantastic Four, fighters of evil!
Where’d It Go?
In 1993, Constantin Film held the rights to a Fantastic Four movie, but was having trouble raising the budget. With only three months left until the option on the film expired, they turned to B-movie legend Roger Corman, who helped scale the proposed $40 million budget down to a paltry $1.98 million. Rumours abound that the film was only made for these copyright purposes, and that no one was ever meant to see it, though those involved in the film deny this. Both the film’s cast and Roger Corman maintain that the plan was that, should the film not get a cinema release, it would be used as a pilot for a TV show. Avi Arad, Marvel’s alliterative head honcho, was appreciative of the efforts that the filmmakers had put in, but didn’t like the idea of a low budget Fantastic Four movie coming out just as Marvel’s big budget slate was getting off the ground. Arad purchased the rights to the film for the amount that they’d spent on it, and ordered all prints of the film destroyed. Versions of the movie, however, still exist, and are available to those who wish to peruse conventions and internet auction sites for a piece of fascinating, if disowned, comic book history.
Say What?
“It was definitely not our intention to make a B-movie, that’s for sure, and when the movie was there, we wanted to release it.” Bernd Eichinger, producer
THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED (1972)
What’s The Story?
A once-great German circus clown (Jerry Lewis) in World War II is arrested by the SS after he’s caught making fun of Hitler. Sent to a concentration camp, he is eventually used by the Nazis as a Pied Piper figure, leading the children into the gas chambers.
Where’d It Go?
Popular legend has it that the film was never shown to the general public due to its extraordinary badness. The real reason is much blander: a legal battle over the film’s rights between director Jerry Lewis and producer Nat Wachsberger resulted in the film being permanently shelved. It’s known that Lewis has a copy of the finished film in his office; it’s rumoured that the film’s negatives are still held by the studio. Either way, there is a small amount of truth to the legend. The few who have seen it and spoken publicly about it have strong and mostly negative things to say. The screenplay suggests a film that is less about humour than it is about pathos, and which lives somewhere between Schindler’s List and Life Is Beautiful. The tone of the end result is known by only a select few, and the passing of Jerry Lewis in 2017 has not shed any light on when the film will eventually be released to the public.
Say What?
“With most of these kinds of things, you find that the anticipation, or the concept, is better than the thing itself. But seeing this film was really awe-inspiring, in that you are rarely in the presence of a perfect object. This was a perfect object. This movie is so drastically wrong, its pathos and its comedy are so wildly misplaced, that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is.” Harry Shearer
MEN OF CRISIS: THE HARVEY WALLINGER STORY (1971)
What’s The Story?
Woody Allen is Harvey Wallinger, a man who holds a PhD from Harvard in needlepoint, and graduated 96th in a class of 95. This twenty-five-minute TV mockumentary looks at the Nixon administration through the eyes of Wallinger, Nixon’s top aide.
Where’d It Go?
Woody Allen had just finished the seminal classic Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask), and had some time up his sleeve. PBS’ New York station WNET commissioned Allen to make a half-hour special about Nixon, just as The President was coming up for re-election. Allen’s Henry Kissinger-inspired film featured a mix of fictitious characters (Wallinger), look-alikes (Nixon impersonator Richard M. Dixon), and actual newsreel footage. So why didn’t it air? The special was deemed too risky, and PBS, the public broadcaster, was afraid of what would happen to its federal funding if it aired such a Nixon-mocking work so close to his re-election campaign. Lines such as this one from Wallinnger – “Pat Nixon occasionally calls me, you know, and says, ‘Dick’s not home. Come on over. He’s on a European trip or something’. But I try to discourage that kind of thing, because I just don’t think that it’s right.” – made the executives nervous, and the special was pulled. Never broadcast, it is now only available for public viewing at New York City’s Museum Of Television And Radio. Allen would ultimately develop the techniques he used here in the brilliant 1983 mockumentary Zelig, which is, thankfully, very much available.
Say What?
“Harvey Wallbanger is a reminder of how Mr. Allen’s long, dazzling, continuing run as a cultural icon began. His fans would be missing something if they never got to see it.” Caryn James, New York Times, 4/12/1997
SUPERSTAR (1987)
What’s The Story?
The life and times of Karen Carpenter, with all of the characters portrayed by Barbie dolls. The film begins with Carpenter’s career starting in 1966, and ends with her death in 1983. Directed by Todd Haynes (I’m Not There, Carol), the 43-minute film pulls no punches. Though sympathetic to Karen Carpenter herself, her family and business associates are shown in a fairly callous light, particularly Karen’s brother, Richard.
Where’d It Go?
Buried forever, thanks to Karen’s brother, Richard. Superstar was a hit on the festival circuit, and built up steady word-of-mouth. Eventually, Richard Carpenter saw the film and became incensed with the portrayal of himself and his family. He objected to the fact that their parents were shown to be controlling and uncaring; that Karen was shown to be mistreated by just about everyone around her; and that he himself was portrayed as a perfectionist with little regard for his sister. But that’s not how he stopped the film. Just as notorious gangster Al Capone was eventually imprisoned for tax fraud instead of murder and racketeering, Superstar was held back because of music rights. Haynes used a lot of Carpenters songs, as well as some by Elton John, The Captain & Tennille and others, but never obtained the rights. Richard successfully sued Haynes for copyright infringement (had that suit been unsuccessful, Mattel was waiting to do the same regarding the depiction of their prized Barbie), and the court ordered all copies of the film destroyed. As is always the case, however, bootlegs survived, and can be found by those who know where to look.
Say What?
“It was really emotionally honest, with this Barbie doll barfing into the toilet.” Cate Blanchett
COCKSUCKER BLUES (1972)
What’s The Story?
Thirty-six years before The Rolling Stones appeared in a Martin Scorsese documentary shaking hands with the Clintons, they starred in a much grittier documentary by photographer Robert Frank. Cocksucker Blues was to focus on their 1972 US tour, the first since the notorious 1969 concert where a fan was stabbed to death in the crowd (see 1970’s documentary Gimme Shelter). Instead, the film is best remembered for redefining the word “candid”, as backstage cameras catch drug use, groupie use, and just about everything you’d imagine could go on backstage.
Where’d It Go?
What, you’re surprised that a drug-filled, sex-filled documentary about one of history’s biggest rock acts isn’t available at JB Hi Fi? Even the title of the film refers to a song that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards wrote under pain of contract, and one specifically titled to ensure that it would never be released. Despite Frank being given free rein by the band, The Stones ultimately blocked the film’s release. Legally, the question of ownership was contested between the band and the director, so the court issued the following compromise: the film may only be shown once a year, and only if the director himself is physically present. With Robert Frank’s passing in 2019, the proper release of Cocksucker Blues now seems even more unlikely.
Say What?
“They really didn’t want me to make the film. They enjoyed having us around but not to film. When it came out, The Stones agreed not to cut anything, although I had to cut some things with the officials from the record company. Making a film is an experience really; more so than going around photographing. Making a film is a real trip.” Robert Frank, director
IN GOD’S HANDS (2002)
What’s The Story?
Aahhh, the press loves their behind-the-scenes hook-up movies. Gattaca got Ethan and Uma together. Mr. & Mrs. Smith paired up Angie and Brad. And, of course, the now-longtime-coupled Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard starred in 2002’s In God’s Hands. What, you’ve never seen it? Produced by Steven Soderbergh? Directed by then up-and-comer Lodge Kerrigan, who had two critically acclaimed features (Clean, Shaven, Claire Dolan) to his credit? You know, that drama about the couple trying to deal with the death of their child? No? You haven’t seen it? Well, here’s why.
Where’d It Go?
If you’ve ever used actual film, you may know the palpable sense of fear when that negative is handled by the camera assistant, or gets deposited at a mysterious film lab whose inner workings you never see. Film negatives are very sensitive things, and it’s natural to be afraid of something going wrong if you’re working on a small scale. Well, bad things happen to the big guys too. Due to “irreversible negative damage”, In God’s Hands never got through post-production. Insurance stepped in, and that was that. No movie. Lodge Kerrigan naturally needed some time to get over it, and returned two years later with 1994’s similarly themed drama Keane, starring Damian Lewis and Abigail Breslin. Thank god for digital, huh?
Say What?
“I bounced back pretty quickly. I think there was a two-year period, between that and Keane. I wrote a new script. Steven [Soderbergh] went out and got it financed. It’s a very devastating thing to happen, and the most devastating thing for me was how so many individuals turned their back on it, and ran for cover. That was really upsetting. Steven was the only one; he stood behind me the whole way. It was due to him that I got Keane made so quickly. Crippling? No. Devastating? Yes.” Lodge Kerrigan
A WOMAN OF THE SEA (1926)
What’s The Story?
Sisters Joan and Magdalen are the daughters of a local fisherman. When Magdalen runs off to the city, her ex-fiancee marries Joan. Magdalen returns, and melodrama ensues! A Woman Of The Sea is the only film produced by Charlie Chaplin that did not feature him acting or directing. Chaplin had been very impressed with The Salvation Hunters, the debut of director Josef Von Sternberg, and hired him to make A Woman Of The Sea as a star vehicle for Edna Purviance, one of Chaplin’s favoured leading ladies, and star of the classic The Kid.
Where’d It Go?
Like Magdalen, it went off to the big smoke, albeit in a much less proverbial sense. Chaplin was not heavily involved in the making of the film, as he was preoccupied with his own film The Circus, as you would be if your film was delayed thanks to a bitter divorce, tax problems and a studio fire. When Chaplin finally saw the finished film, he considered it commercially unviable and chose not to release it. A popular version of the story suggests that, seven years later, the IRS was breathing down Chaplin’s neck, so he decided to burn the film’s negatives for tax purposes. Only a small selection of Chaplin associates ever saw it, and their reactions were not positive. Sadly, a print of the film did exist in the Chaplin vaults until 1991, when it was also destroyed by Chaplin’s widow. Edna Purviance only starred in one more film, the French feature, Education De Prince, before retiring. Out of loyalty, Chaplin kept her on the payroll until she died in 1958. In 2005, it was discovered that Purviance had a large amount of material from the film in her archives, including photographs and production stills. These have all been collected and published.
HIM (1974)
What’s The Story?
Our hero is a young gay male who has an “erotic fixation” with Jesus Christ. As this young man seeks spiritual and physical enlightenment, we meet The Man From Galilee, who himself has a large following of male disciples. The exact details of the film’s storyline remain a mystery, but one can assume that they are largely unhygienic.
Where’d It Go?
Well, there are many theories. Theory number one: the low budget nature of the film meant that it was simply lost. Theory number two: the film never existed. That theory became popular after the film’s inclusion in the book The Golden Turkey Awards, a 1980 celebration of awful movies that predated the inaugural Golden Raspberries by mere months. At the beginning of the book, the authors said that one film (out of the 425 listed) was a hoax, and the reader was challenged to figure out which one. With so little information about Him around, it was long assumed that this was the mysterious film. But then, a few eyewitness accounts of the film began to spring up, and a newspaper ad for the film was uncovered. The fake film? Dog Of Norway. Him really did exist.
Say What?
“For sheer tastelessness, this film has no equals. In one scene, our homosexual hero goes to his local priest to confess his erotic fixation on Jesus Christ. The priest sits in the confessional, listening to the young man breathlessly elaborating his perverted fantasies, while taking advantage of the situation to reach under his cassock and masturbate grotesquely on camera. This charming episode surely marks one of the absolute low points in the history of American cinema.” The Golden Turkey Awards (Page 168)
LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT (1927)
What’s The Story?
Lon Chaney Sr. was The Man Of A Thousand Faces. If there was any face that could equal the still-terrifying get-up that he sported for 1925’s definitive Phantom Of The Opera, it was his role as the killer in London After Midnight. The sharpened teeth, the darkened eyes…even eighty-plus years later, we challenge you to look at a picture of him without shuddering. The film, directed by Freaks helmer Tod Browning, follows a Scotland Yard inspector who investigates the death of a wealthy Englishman. Five years later, the dead man’s property is occupied by a vampire-like man who is menacing the locals. What follows is a tale of hypnosis, deception, and twists that would leave M. Night Shyamalan scratching his head…
Where’d It Go?
MGM. Vault Seven. Electrical fire. The only stored print of the film caught aflame in 1967, and no other copies exist. Rumours abound, however, that a private collector was holding onto the last known copy of the film, refusing to let anyone else see it. One suggestion was that he was waiting for the copyright to expire in 2002 so he could release it himself, but 2002 came and went, and the film was not seen. As is always the case, it’s possible that a copy of this film survives, but holding your breath for its re-appearance is not advisable. You can, however, seek out the film’s reconstruction, where surviving stills from the production were pieced together to make a forty-minute film. Or you can check out Tod Browning’s own remake, Mark Of The Vampire, which was made only eight years later, with Lionel Barrymore and Bela Lugosi.
Say What?
“[The reconstruction is] better than nothing, but be warned that it will probably play better in your imagination than on your television.” Joe Barlow, www.cineslave.com
FEAR AND DESIRE (1953)
What’s The Story?
Four soldiers crash land six miles behind enemy lines during a war, and formulate a plan to escape back to safe territory: head towards a nearby river, construct a raft, and sail home under the cover of night. Complications come in the form of an enemy general and a young woman who chances upon the group. Can these soldiers confront their fears? Their desires? Their ands?
Where’d It Go?
The feature debut of young upstart Stanley Kubrick, Fear And Desire was largely funded by Kubrick’s rich pharmacist uncle, and Kubrick’s father (who cashed in his life insurance to get the money…excellent gamble!). Though the film was instrumental in kicking off Kubrick’s career, the director held disdain for it. When Fear And Desire was lost, many speculated that Kubrick himself had destroyed the negative, though this was never proven. In the 1980s, the original camera negative was discovered in Puerto Rico of all places, and was quickly acquired by The US Library Of Congress. Only one print of the film exists, and is held by Kodak in New York. Though there was a policy for the film to never be distributed or copied, bootlegs persisted for many years, until the film was finally restored and commercially released in 2013…which means that it shouldn’t really be on this list, but everyone likes a happy ending, right?
Say What?
“He was absolutely and totally involved in the making of this movie. He knew nothing about acting; I probably didn’t know much more. He was not a Bohemian. He was not an avant garde left bank figure. He was a kid from The Bronx who was smart. I don’t think he had too much education. He was a very good chess player. The intensity impressed me. I thought he had a vision of someplace he was going.” Actor Paul Mazursky, “Private Sidney”
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WIND (1972)
What’s The Story?
In 1972, Orson Welles was an ageing director whose career had suffered after a string of commercial disasters. He set about making The Other Side Of The Wind, which starred John Huston as an ageing director whose career had suffered after a string of commercial disasters. Huston’s character sets about making a film called The Other Side Of The Wind, in which…actually, never mind.
Where’d It Go?
“If anything happens to me, you will make sure you finish it, won’t you?” Welles reportedly said to actor/director Peter Bogdanovich, who starred in the film alongside Huston, Dennis Hopper and Paul Mazursky (whose second appearance in this article makes us wonder if he’s something of an albatross). Much of the film’s funding came from Mehdi Bousheri, the brother-in-law of the former Iranian Shah. The Shah was deposed in the 1979 Iranian revolution, which caused problems for Welles’ film. Bousheri kept the negatives hidden in a Parisian vault until the rights were resolved. Though the film’s production was complete, Welles was not able to finish post-production before his death in 1985. Years of legal struggles between numerous rights-holding parties resulted in a protracted stalemate. Despite this, cinematographer Gary Graver travelled to Paris before his death in 2006, and, upon inspecting the negatives, confirmed that they were in good condition. Stories of lost films infrequently have happy endings, but this one – like Fear And Desire above – is a rare exception: the legalities were eventually dispensed with, and in 2014, the rights were acquired by Royal Road. The project was overseen by Peter Bogdanovich and producer Frank Marshall, and had its world premiere at The Venice International Film Festival in 2018, and was released on November 2, 2018, by Netflix.
Say What?
“[The Other Side Of The Wind] could be considered one of Welles’ great films. Its release could make people re-evaluate Welles’ legacy.” Cinematographer Gary Graver
If you liked this story, check out our features on troubled movie sets; films that got screwed over by their backers; movies that got mangled in post-production; and flicks that got fixed (or not) in post-production.
